I wake up, I shower, I do eat, I make sure my makeup is fresh, my hair is straight, my nails are well shaped, I try to do exercise, I smile at people even if they don’t smile at me and stare, I say hello, I laugh, I say jokes, I got to work and perform my tasks, I go out, I discuss topics, I care about my friends, I care about my family, my pets, I care, I answer back I love them too when it’s needed. I play it good I play it nice so people can think I’m ok , I’m a good actress, it’s been like this for years, I don’t drag myself, I walk pas by it. When I’m alone I don’t smile, when I’m alone I see myself and I see the worst, I see why people stare I see what I hate the most, I see my monster, I see why I can’t be loved, why I can’t be happy, I transform my one nightmare…until it’s time to go back to RL and transform back again into what’s convenient and safe for the rest. And so the cycle continued.
As some of you know my blog is primarily Wincest/J2/Supernatural related, occasionally I write/reblog things that are worth trend in here, things I like, things I want, places I want to be, people I’d like to meet, music I like to listen to and such. But sometimes I’ll take my time to write about my current emotional status, not because I want to draw attention but because I need to vent it, I need to let it out since I can’t do it in RL. I’m well aware I’m not the first neither the last who will post something regarding depression, anxiety, insecurities, self harm, etc, I’m well aware their are people who are far worst than me who handle their shit like a pro and I’m also aware there are some in here who think their whole world is shattered and dark like a fucking inferno from Dante when all they have is a bright life ahead and they are just too blind to look at the road in front. This is MY OPINION and it doesn’t have to be truth. I have the right to speak my mind and I have the right to vent what I need to vent because honestly I don’t know myself anymore, I don’t think I have real friends, and I don’t think people get me, or actually they tried but they always failed, I have seen this cycle so many times, in so many different versions.
So go ahead read this if you like and if you don’t I couldn’t care less, I don’t need hate from anybody, nobody can hate me more than I already hate and dislike myself.
I’m leaving an apology in here for all the followers who have received in the past a joke from the knock joker, I really wanted to make those people smile, get distracted, laugh or be happy, there’s this pleasure I have on looking into other’s people happiness through my screen, since I can’t have it better make other people have this sentiment which it fit them best.
So here I say goodbye.
How many times do I have to tell you
That I love you
Before you realize it yourself
How many times until you understand
That the only reason I’m still breathing
Is not because you saved me
Or that I deserved it
But because I don’t want to hurt you
I’m not breathing because of what you did
I’m breathing because I love you most of all
You’re aware in all the silence of a constant that will turn
like the windmill left deserted or the sun forever burn - SN: 09x14
Alexi Murdoch - Breath